Lulu-Belle and th? Hot August Night - A Texas Tall Tale by Crystalwizard
There's a time 'n place fer ever thin' and this weren't neither. Settin' outside in th? dark on a stump in th? middle of east Texas woods ain't my idea 'a fun 'less I got a fire 'n marshmellows and a bottle 'a sumptin. Listen' t? coyotes howlin' at th? moon's right perty most August nights, but not when they's within spittin' distance.
I sat there on that stump, listen' t? them coyotes singing, and tried t? ferget how Lulu-Belle'd managed t? talk me into th? current mess. It weren't workin' though 'cause them coyote's kept howlin and my dear, sweet cousin kept swearin' at her truck. Her new truck. Which was sunk up t? th' runnin' boards in mud. Bein' as tow trucks is a might scarce in th? east Texas woods and th? closest town was 'bout fifty miles away, th? truck weren't goin' nowhere.
Lulu-Belle'd conned me into goin' down t? th' dealer with her earlier in th' day, an' I let her talk me inta it 'cause I wanted t? see th? close-outs. I should 'a figured summin' was up when she asked, causal like, if I'd drive. We'd spent less'n fifteen minutes at th? lot afore she was on one side of a desk, a salesman was on th? other and numbers was flyin' hot'n heavy. Well, that weren't a big deal. She weren't spendin' my money. So I wandered 'round th? lot fer a while, looking at cars and kickin' tires. About th? time I was startin' t? get bored and think about lunch, Lulu-Belle comes saunterin' toward me, janglin' a set o' keys. I was all set t? take off and leave her to her new toy when she pulls her wallet out and asks if I'm hungry.
Visions of burgers sharein' a plate with fries and coleslaw started dancin' afore my eyes, so naturally, I said yes. And naturally, she offered t? buy. Free food's hard fer me t? turn down so afore I knew what was happenin', we was up in th' cab a' her new truck and pullin' out onta th? road.
I was of a mind t? run though th? first fast food joint we saw, grab a bite from th' menu and then have her drop me off so's I could get my truck and head home. She weren't havin' it. Said she owed me a decent meal and knew where this great, outta th' way waterin' hole was. I protested, she ignored me. I protested harder, she ignored me harder. About th' time she goton t? th' highway and headed outta town, I knowed we was goin' fer a drive and unless I wanted t? jump outta a truck what was movin' pert near seventy miles an hour, I was gonna hav' t? jest enjoy it.
I figured we'd be drivin' fer a spell, seen's how my cousin'd jest 'bought th? thing and had that far-away look in her eyes that she kin get. I settle'd back, dropped mah hat over mah face and took a snooze. Next thing I knew, we was bouncin', and skiddin' and I woke up expectin' t? be tumblin' end over end any second. We mighta' too, cept th? mud got in th' way and we sunk. It took a few seconds fer th? trees t? register an' when I shot her a look, she mumbled sumpin' 'bout takin' a shortcut, then climbed outta th? cab. I climbed out too 'an managed t? slog through th' mud to solid ground.
The biggest problem, other than th? fact that we'd never got lunch, was that th? truck was new. If we'd had her other truck, we'd a been fine. But we didn't. th? new one weren't a bad truck, 'cept it didn't have a wench, and it needed a couple 'a lift kits, and it coulda used wider tires, and a short-wave woulda come in handy too. All th? stuff her ol' reliable had. Unfortunately, ol' reliable was settin' in her driveway back in town.
We sat there all afternoon, while Lulu-Belle tried rockin' th? truck with th' motor, an' spinnin' th? wheels, and tryin' t? get branches under 'em and back out, an' ever'thin' else she could think of. None of which worked. Th' sun went down, mah stomach mentioned dinner an' I got grouchy, which is why I was settin' on a stump 'stead a tryin' t? help get th? truck outta th' mud.
I sat there till th? moon come up above th? trees and then figured t? jest climb inta th' bed and grab a few winks. 'Bout that time, Lulu-Belle got one 'a her crazy ideas and decided that we needed t? set off some flares so's th? folk's back in town'd know we was in trouble. Now road flares don't make a lotta light, 'specially when they're on th? ground. 'Course my cousin knowed that they'd have t? be up in th? air if anyone was gonna see 'em, and she aimed t? figure out a way t? get 'em up there. I decided that bein' out in th' dark with th' coyotes was a lot safer than stickin' around, so I slunk off into th? brush while she was diggin' behind th? seat of th? pickup, looking fer th? emergency road kit.
Seen's how I was walkin' anyway, I decided I'd jest keep on and headed fer th? road. Them coyote's didn't raise a fuss, so when I got t? th' road, I figured I'd jest head fer town. Long 'bout midnight, I flagged down a trucker and got a ride th' rest 'a th? way. We was almost back when we passed a whole flock 'a firetrucks roarin' outta town back th' way we come, their lights flashin' and sirens blarin'. I didn't say nuttin', 'cept 'thanks' when th? trucker dropped me off t? get mah own pickup. Funny thing 'bout road flares. They don't make a lotta light, but they sure do set woods on fire real good, 'specially in summer here in Texas.
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