Necrotic Works

[RHFay]

Here's one for anyone that has ever felt that their muse had died, that no matter how hard they tried, the words came out lifeless and dull. I feel yourfrustration; I've been there before:

Necrotic Works

Numb words
penned by cold hands
fall on bloodless pages
like decayed flesh sloughs off a corpse -
dead muse.


"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!"

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
See all the cool stuff featuring my artwork at the Abandoned Towers Zazzle Store!
View my Azure Lion Productions Blog.

[BitterHermit]

Richard, I really like this one. I can too well relate . . .


I would like to suggest changing the simile to a metaphor to contine the conceit. It seems stronger that way.

RHFay said...

Here's one for anyone that has ever felt that their muse had died, that no matter how hard they tried, the words came out lifeless and dull. I feel yourfrustration; I've been there before:

Necrotic Works

Numb words
penned by cold hands
fall on bloodless pages
<STRIKE>like decayed flesh sloughing off <STRIKE>a corpse -
dead muse.

Poetry Collection Co-authored with Sio --
After the Vows: Poems Between Lovers
Current NewBlog: http://out4cigarettes.wordpress.com
Copyeditor and Writing Coach for hire (PM me)
"We read, frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -- Harold Bloom
"The schizophrenic is drowning in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight." --Joseph Campbell

[RHFay]

Ah, but that changes the syllable count. I prefer my cinquains to stay in the 2-4-6-8-2 format. It was hard enough to get the lines to look right; I've found that these cinquains just don't look right visually if the lines don't increase in length until the last, much shorter line. I already had to change my wording a bit when I changed fonts! As it is, the thrid line is only one letter longer than the fourth.

A metaphor would definitely be stronger, but I think the simile works well enough.

I guess you could say it's fine as a 'blog' poem, which is what I ended up using it for.

"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!"

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
See all the cool stuff featuring my artwork at the Abandoned Towers Zazzle Store!
View my Azure Lion Productions Blog.

[BitterHermit]

what if you went with 'decaying flesh sloughing off corpse'?
or, as the muse is usually seen as feminine: 'decayed flesh sloughing off her corpse'
sorry about missing the whole syllable thing. I tend to overlook scansion sometimes with forms with which I am not intimately familiar. So I agree with your point, there, Richard. Thanks for pointing it out. I should have paid better attention.
D.

Poetry Collection Co-authored with Sio --
After the Vows: Poems Between Lovers
Current NewBlog: http://out4cigarettes.wordpress.com
Copyeditor and Writing Coach for hire (PM me)
"We read, frequently if unknowingly, in quest of a mind more original than our own." -- Harold Bloom
"The schizophrenic is drowning in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight." --Joseph Campbell