The adventures of S.J. and Mike - Part two - looking for Mr. Goodshovel

[SJHigbee]

Aunt Gertrude had finally calmed down, after I gave her two of the green tablets with a schooner of sherry. Frankly it wasn’t a pretty sight watching an old lady who generally manages to make the Queen look slobbish, gibbering and kissing a bunch of shiny stones. In no time flat she was out like a light, her snores ripping around the room like machine gun fire, while still clutching the small handful of gold nuggets that Jack had given her.

As for me – well I’d done with pacing up and down the room, worrying myself to a wafer. I was still not happy, though. Far from it. Something about this whole situation was off – something I couldn’t put my finger on… I was missing Percy, who was still banished to the garden – but going out there in the dark to scratch his belly wasn’t a good idea. Some of those holes he’d dug in the Aunt’s veg patch were a bit on the deep side. Last week, it had taken the next door neighbour who’d come round to weed the garden for Aunt, over an hour to climb out of one of Percy’s pits.

I switched on Aunt Gertrude’s ancient telly, waiting for the tubes to warm up. But that was a crock. Watching Strictly X-Factor through a snow storm wasn’t worth the eye strain – or the re-repeat of Miss Marple Moves to Midsomer. So I picked up my copy of Jack’s adventures, stuck some wax in my ears to block out the sound of Aunt’s snoring, and was soon engrossed…

Mike bursts into the sitting room, wild-eyed and yelling. Although his voice is muffled…

Why is he speaking through a mouthful of cotton wool? Which is when I remember my ear plugs.

“…house is SURROUNDED. JACK SAID TO GET YOU-ˮ Mike’s voice is set to break the sound barrier.

Aunt snorts, mutters something about Tibby being a bad kitty, and settles back to producing her own noise pollution.

“Mike! Mike! Hey – stop panicking and tell me what’s going on.”

That hauls his yelling to halt, just as I figured.

He gives me a dirty look. “Panicking! I wasn’t panicking. Just thought the pair’ve you were ensorcelled or something, when you didn’t move. Something or someone is attacking the house. Jack figured you both should get into the kitchen.”

I look across at Aunt’s snoring figure in the easy chair. “She’s not stirring anytime soon. I reckon the house could fall around her ears and it wouldn’t wake her.”

As if on cue, an echoing boom shakes the building. Cracks snake across the walls, tearing the damp-stained paper and a few lumps of plaster patter down from the ceiling.

Mike glares at me, before making for the door. “You and your mouth. You had to say it, didn’t you?”

“Me!” I hasten to catch him up in the hallway, stubbing my foot on a lump of brickwork cluttering the carpet. “Ow! In case you haven’t noticed, this isn’t anything to do with me.”

Jack opens the kitchen door, a big scowl creasing his face. “If the pair’ve yer can stir yerselves…” He jerks his head at me. “Reckon this is where yer do yer demon workin’s and suchlike. See these varmints off.”

Ah… I shake my head. “I can’t.”

“SJ!” There is definitely a note of panic in Mike’s voice, now. “I know she isn’t your favouritest person, but you can’t want whatever is out there to blow up your Aunty’s house.”

I rub my eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. And stupid. “It’s not that, Mike.”

Anoter dull boom rocks the house. More cracks. More plaster and brickwork rain down around us. There is the sound of breaking glass.

“Thing is. This is my homepatch.”

Mike doesn’t get it. “So? C’mon SJ, stop messing around.”

But Jack does. A stream of truly vile curse words pass his lips, before he turns to Mike. “Use yer head. She can’t use her magicking whatnot, here. It’s not homepatch-grown.”

Mike swings round to me. “Is it true?”

I nod.

“B-but why bring us here? Where you knew couldn’t protect yourself. Or us.”

I swallow. It’s hard to talk about this stuff, but as yet another boom brings down more of the building around us, I’ve no choice. “I’m… each time I call upon the demon side of me… I’m changed. Different. And besides,” I burst out, “that black-clawed look – it’s not doing my cuticles any favours, I can tell you. And nail varnish… it’s costing me fortune.”

“Oh great! We’re about to be flattened cos you want nice nails.” Mike rolls his eyes.

“Wimmin!” Jack spits on Aunty’s kitchen floor. Again. Though this time it doesn’t really matter as the floor is covered in dust, bricks and plaster. Jack draws his knife and moves towards the door.

“Wait! You can’t go out there. They’ve got some kind’ve artillery. You’ll be blown up.” Mike grabs his buckskin sleeve.

“Well I sure ain’t waitin’ round fer this here house to fall atop me,” Jack growls.

This is my fault… I shouldn’t have brought them here. If anyone dies now, it’s all my fault. How can I help? But try as I might, I can’t think of a way out of this mess…

[Mike Griffiths]

“Come on, Boneman!” Jack was yelling. “Finally some action as last. If I have to sit through another of flippin’ tea party, I’m gonna to shave my sideburns.”

“But Jack, they’ve got…” but then my voice trailed off when he transformed himself into a green… I think it was a mamba. Yep, I saw one in Africa, when- “Yow! Geez, SJ why did you pinch me?”

“Cuz, your head was in the clouds, you trancky flanker.”

Trancky flanker...? “Um, er, Jack became a snake. I think he is going to try to flank them. Hey, he must be more of a trancky flanker than me.”

“Obviously you have no clue what a trancky flanker is, but never mind that now. The question is, what are WE doing?”

As if to emphasize her point, some kind of booming sounded to our right and plaster and dust filled the air, like the last time Percy had excreted enough flatulence to make Charlie Sheen wince.

“I have some throwing knives, but I’m not sure-”

“Bloody biscuits, Mike. Why do you always count on Jack and I to do everything and save the day?”

Ouch. That really hurt. I’ve done stuff. Plenty of stuff. I’m sure I would have thought of an example, if I had the time. “Okay, you stay here and keep auntie safe. I’ll try to think of something.”

“No, Mike. Wait. I didn’t mean for you…”

But I was already moving. I was out the door and running through the ruined yard. But these weren’t normal explosions. It was like something was disrupting the earth, making dissolve and die. Oh, Jack wasn’t going to like this. Him being a warrior for Earth and all. I said eight Hails Yigs and raced through the maze of smoking craters.

I had yet to see any sight of an enemy, when I heard some puffing behind me. Looking back, I saw that SJ was following me. As long as we were all equally stupid, I suppose.

I’m not sure if I had been seen or what, but suddenly the ground before me was just gone and I couldn’t stop myself before I tumbled ass over elbow into the smoking depression.

SJ was there at the lip of the twenty foot deep hole. “Mike! Mike! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m about as good as a man missing half his skin can be. I… SJ look out!”

But it was too late. Dark figures had appeared and, before I could do anything, they had pushed her into the pit. She fell sideways. My eyes grew wide when her head it the side of a protruding rock and by the time her body rolled to my feet, she was already unconscious.

“Son of a…” But for the second time, my words died in my mouth. For there, on the edge of the pit, surrounded by a small army of black robed bastards was EDGAR!

“Evening, Mr. Bone. I hope you’ve enjoyed experiencing the effects of the Ruby Crown that you and SJ inadvertently bestowed onto me all those months ago. Did you think I had forgotten you? Fools. I would kill you for what your damn seagull familiar did to my dining room alone, but I have other plans in store for you.”

His laughter chilled my bones.

[SJHigbee]

I didn’t so much regain consciousness as skirted around it. Who’d want to surface with their head feeling like it had been hammered by a piledriver? With Mike’s voice yelling in their face, “SJ! C’mon, SJ – you gotta wake up!”

I opened one throbbing eyelid. His face wasn’t improving the scenery the slightest bit, so I shut my eye again.

But Mike wasn’t letting up. “SJ – you have to wake up! Now!” And he HIT me. Yeah – I know he claims that he was patting my cheek, but I was on the receiving end – and if that’s his version of a ‘pat’, then we must be in Chuck Norris territory when it comes to his punch.

I opened my eyes and wished I hadn’t. “Ohhhh,” I groaned as oxygen molecules hurled themselves at my bruised eyeballs.

“C’mon, SJ. Stop being such a girlie,’ hissed Mr Sympathy.

“Will you quit whispering at me so loudly?” I whimpered, on the edge of throwing up as Mike’s face kept see-sawing into double fuzziness. “I’m in agony, here.”

He rolled all four eyes – it wasn’t a pretty sight, especially with me feeling so fragile. “Then go for your inner demon, why don’t you?”

I blinked, trying to focus on his face. Oh yes… I can… do that… can’t I?
I took and deep breath, visualised – YouKnowWhat – oh, you don’t, do you? And that’s the way it’s staying. There are quite enough demons trolling around the surface of Earth creating havoc as it is, thank you very much… I stretched, feeling my strengthened tendons and muscles pop and twang as they rearranged themselves. My nails lengthened and turned black as the pink polish flaked off.

“You owe me a bottle of Fuschia Passion,” I purred, licking my lips as I surged to my feet. I really should do this more often – I feel wonderful…

“Never mind about your nails, SJ – we got more important things to deal with,” Mike grumped. “This smelly hole is Edgar’s local hideout. Why didn’t you tell me that Piddle-on-the-Marsh is built along a ley line?”

I blinked. Is it? But as I extended my demonic senses I realised that Mike was right – the village where Aunt Gertrude lived was right on a ley line – in fact it was on a nexus… I shivered. No wonder poor Percy had been digging deep holes. My familiar lumbered towards me, grunting a welcome as I scratched his back with my talons. Thinking of pigs reminded me…

“Where’s Jack?”

“Shh!” hissed Mike. By his facial contortions and gestures, I gathered that Jack had managed to avoid capture – and that Mike was convinced we were being watched as we were being held in this damp, cheerless room.

Of which I’d had enough. I strode to the door. The padlock and chain securing it looked impressively hefty – and would have caused me some difficulty when new, but that was at least some forty years ago. It had been subjected to hard use. I found a couple of links that had been significantly weakened. Channelling some power through Percy had him grind the scuffed metal in just the right spot with his tusks until the chain failed. I pulled it free of the door.

“Coming?” I asked Mike as I swung it open, ensuring that the hinges didn’t squeak.

He pulled a face as he charged out of the room and pushed past me into the empty corridor. “Do you have talk like you’re standing in an echo chamber? I think you should change back right now?”

“Some gratitude is due, you pusillanimous specimen!” I roared as the ends of my fingers smoked. Flaming typical – it’s ‘oh please change into a demon, SJ,’ when he wants something done. And when I do, it’s ‘now change back again.’ And they say women can’t make up their minds…

“Oh capital.” A voice behind me smirked. I spun round to see Edgar trotting towards us with a cohort of his followers, as he added, “I’ve got a demonic power in my control. Nothing will stop me, now!”

[Mike Griffiths]

Edgar?s black robes curled around his body, like a living thing, as ten additional Darcarre crowded in behind him. Meanwhile, SJ weaved like a hungry serpent, her demonic form almost as intimidating as the Xemmoni before me. Almost.

?I?ve always wanted a pet Demon slave,? Edgar said past a twisted smile.

?Yeah, nice dress and you should think about brushing those teeth at least once a month, what?s that clinging there?ear wax??

His smile quickly disappeared. ?So what is the deal with you toad lickers? Are Darcarre the new black or something??

?ENOUGH, I need not be mocked within my own domain!?

?Says the guy with two dead caterpillars for eyebrows. Come on get ?em, SJ.?

?Oh, I think not. Demons are powerful, but they have their drawbacks.? And then, before SJ could pounce, Edgar had used a thin black wand to blast an ebony containment circle into the ground around her.

Like a drunken mime, she hammered on invisible walls before turning toward me her eyes filled with dread. ?I?m trapped.?

?Piss-ant factory!? I said, taking a step back and looking around for any sort of weapon. Unless a handful of dust would help, I was on my own.

?Where are your jokes now, Yiggling? Not so funny are you? Or do you think you can take us all on by yourself??

?Well, duh? of course I can. But maybe you should get another ten men first. I would hate to have to get all this dust over my new pants for no reason.?

?Ahh sarcasm. Perhaps you should stick to your strengths, to bad for you, you won?t be around long enough to discover if you have any. At him my brothers, beat him within an inch of his life.?

The men came at me, but the corridor was only a dozen feet wide and they also had to split as they passed the struggling form of SJ. Thus the droogs were forced into twin lines where only two people could reach me at once.

?Run, Mike!? SJ was yelling. ?I?m just a Demon. I deserve whatever punishments that are about to head my way.?

?Forget that, despite your outer appearance, you are a damn angel compared to me.?

Just as I was about to try to go down swinging, there was a shout from a level above us. This was followed by a loud banging. I looked at Edgar and he caught my smile.

?Twenty Thousand Hells! Minions, deal with this fool. I need to turn someone into a pile of quivering ash.?

And that was when I punched the closest guy in the face. He tumbled back into the others. The lead man on the other side of SJ tried to make a move? until my boot to his stomach left him gasping for air.

I was doing well, but they were rushing in at me. ?SJ! You need to think of something before these Darcarre start cooking up some Demon soup!?

The second guy in the line to the right moved in, but my roundhouse that started somewhere in New Jersey knocked him unconscious with one blow. He toppled backwards falling across the circle. SJ suddenly roared with pleasure and raced over the limp body to join the Fray!

[Mike Griffiths]

Okay since there has not been a new update here for a while. I'm going to toss up the first Dahtoe story Yes now you too can learn the history of my familar!

http://michaeldgriffiths.wordpress.com/