Jungle Hunter

[RHFay]

Jungle Hunter

by Richard H. Fay

sparkling amber eyes
orange and black camouflage
stalking weretiger


Alas, no real figurative language in this one ( [img]/emoticons/smilewinkgrin.gif[/img] ), but I think it does capture that "ah-ha" moment of haiku and its derivatives. I like cats, especially the big cats, and I like legendary monsters and creatures, so I couldn't resist using both in this little "horroku" (please note the quotes around the name - I'm not trying to offend anyone, just following terminology currently in use).

"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.

http://azurelionproductions.com

[Daniel]

If you want figurative language try replacing the liberal dose of adjectives here: "sparkling" "amber" "orange and black" "stalking" with fresher imagery.

That would kill 2 birds with 1 stone, in that sparse use of adjectives and the use of figuaritive language are currently understood as necessary components of truly successful poetry. Like you, I'm not trying to offend, I am just using the "terminology currently in use" [img]/emoticons/lol.gif[/img] but I also do think these principles result in stronger poems.

Let's start with line oneof your poem and experiment with the idea. Let's attempt to replace "sparkling amber" with a metaphor or a good simile. What can we do that will also preserve your prosody (meter, ie syllabic count)? Since I assume this is as important in "horoku" as it seems to be in English "haiku"-- so we need 4 syllables in figurative language which will further the notion of "sparkling amber" without resorting to redundancy or cliche or repetition of adjectives.

The first image that pops into my mind when you say "sparkling amber" is of the ocean at evening. You might also think of champaign -- so what if you simply said: "eyes champaign oceans"? or something like this? Already you have figurative language: a metaphor in three words -- and you have eliminated all of the adjectives and replaced them with something much more imagistically powerful as well.

But "champaign oceans" is almost not-quite-right for your predatory tone in this little fragment. So let's try something more jungle-like, say: "bright piranah eyes" which preserves at least one adjective for you, like a spoon of sugar in your tea.

SO:

bright piranah eyes


plus? The conversion of "orange and black" -- and a handy image for this, in my mind anyway, is a checkerboard. Or chessboard. Then you'd have:

bright pirinah eyes
chessboard camoflauge

but that seems a bit obscure, so you might try something like "checker-board camo" or even "jack o'lantern camo" but the former breaks the meter.

Anyway, just ideas. In my own mind, I almost always mark the instances of adjectives in my poem-drafts as specific areas to shore up figuarative language as I have sketched here. Or I did. Nowadays, I am learning to write stronger first drafts, but that only comes through discipline and patience. I always regard the opportunities afforded by repetitive adjectives or the like as places to make poems much stronger and much more memorable in the end.

Finally, we'd have this:

The Jungle Hunter

bright piranah eyes
jack o'lantern camoflauge--
stalking weretiger

None of which upsets your central image or gesture, which is very nice, the glimpse of a futuristic hunter after his quarry. The specific suggestions may suck but you can at lest see how you might admit figurative language into your poem without losing the poem at all; in fact, it may help your poem become more memorable to those who read it later down the line.











"Art is the celebration of the ego's destruction."
Daniel

[RHFay]

But, but, but...


I thought haiku (and speculative haiku derivatives) were supposed to have rather direct language. I certainly understand your need for figurative language in poetry, but is it truly a requirement in haiku-type poems? In haiku (and, presumably, the speculative haiku derivatives), aren't concrete details and vivid imagery more important than figurative language?


Now, there may beseveral technical reasons why "Jungle Hunter" may not be a really good haiku, but I don'tbelieve it's lack of figurative language isone of them.





"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.

http://azurelionproductions.com

[MattDempsey]

Oooh poetry debate.

Daniel - sparkling amber makes me thing of streams of urine in orange streetlights. I don't think I have the same soul as you when it comes to imagery.

I like both works.


duelled adjectives
contorted into form
creating haiku

[RHFay]

Wait a minute, what about this?

amber flares alight
striped cloak of orange and black
stalking weretiger

(I think the first line was subconsciously inspired by Blake.)

I don't seem to be able to pare down the adjectives too much; that's not really my voice. That's not how I write.

"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
http://azurelionproductions.com

[Daniel]

but is it truly a requirement in haiku-type poems

***

IMHO, figurative language is always desirable in any form of poetry. Even purely mnemonic poetry benefits from the use of figurative language.

***
I don't seem to be able to pare down the adjectives too much; that's not really my voice. That's not how I write.

***

Ok-dokey.


"Art is the celebration of the ego's destruction."
Daniel

[Daniel]

sparkling amber makes me thing of streams of urine in orange streetlights.

***

LOL.

Maybe you could use a visit from the White Goddess. Of course, she's just as kinky as we are, I'm sure, so maybe your above-quoted vision was her calling card!


"Art is the celebration of the ego's destruction."
Daniel

[RHFay]

Daniel said...

IMHO, figurative language is always desirable in any form of poetry. Even purely mnemonic poetry benefits from the use of figurative language.

Next question: how much? Can it be overdone and overused, or should almost every line be figurative?

I inserted what I feel is some figurative language in the revised version. Is it enough, or is it still lackingfigurative language?

I also don't want to go too obscure.

Personally, I liked the first version, but the second version may indeed feel more "poetic".

"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!" Andrew of Armar.

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
http://azurelionproductions.com

[Daniel]

Can it be overdone and overused,

***

I don't think so.

***

I also don't want to go too obscure.

***

Right. That is something very important to keep in mind. Just for general information, intentional obscurity in poetry is usually referred to as 'hermiticism' and it can be a useful thing -- but this generally is rare and a tool available only to the most highly accomplished poets.

In the main, I agree that any poem should be first and foremost: comprehensible.


"Art is the celebration of the ego's destruction."
Daniel

[BitterHermit]

Concrete language is good. Figurative language is good. Concrete figurative language is better. Over-abstraction is always, in my opinion, always a fault unless it serves a greater purpose that is accessible to the target audience.

Adjectives are easy to overuse. Adverbs as well.
"amber" has a close association for me to Scotch whiskey, trapped flies, and now streams of urine tinkling and foaming into ocean at dusk
I think the verse would be stronger with a stronger verb at the close. The point of the Zen moment in haiku is to revisit it - re-experience that moment. Tag the verb with "ing" and it freezes into a static moment captured in that drab amber just harvested and unpolished.
"weretiger stalks prey" works better. Or even "weretiger stalks". Give it a strong verb to support the imagery; then it takes life.

Literarily speaking: More prolific than sin!
Blog: http://bitterhermit.wordpress.com
Hunh? (other blog): http://fringemonkey.wordpress.com

[H.P. Lovesauce]

Wow, this is like a game of Solitaire: immediately someone comes along to offer a different version of things. (Mine is below.)

David's right about the 'Zen' moment and re-experiencing something. In this, I thought, it might be a revelation, and it got me thinking about how we know it's a were-tiger and not just, well, a tiger.


Pale flesh in moonlight
grows dark and striped, eyes yellow--
now the were-tiger hunts.